Losing and finding yourself while living abroad
For many people living abroad, relocation brings not only opportunity, but also questions of identity, belonging, and who they are becoming in a new place.
6/8/20262 min read
Working with expats and people living internationally, something I’ve noticed clients saying recently is:
“I know I should be grateful, but…”
Being an expat or choosing to relocate and live abroad is usually an exciting and understandably nerve-wracking change. There is often an opportunity involved: a job, a better quality of life, learning about a new culture, or accompanying someone you love, which makes the move feel worthwhile.
People around you may comment on how “lucky” you are, or how you are “living your best life”.
But the reality can be more complex, especially if the move is driven by your partner’s work or relocating to be near their family.
Perhaps you have made compromises or sacrifices, and have had to rethink your career or put it on pause. Maybe you are struggling to find a sense of belonging in a place that still feels unfamiliar. It may even feel as though you are no longer quite sure who you are in this new context. And it can feel difficult when the people who know you best are still “back home”.
From my own experience of living abroad which has included starting a family and changing career, I understand how feeling isolated, alongside the mental energy required to navigate unfamiliar social and administrative systems, can take its toll.
More than that, living and parenting abroad, particularly when it involves a shift in career or identity, can feel destabilising. It is not uncommon to find yourself asking, “Who am I now?” or “Where do I belong here?”
It is possible to feel grateful whilst also grieving a former version of yourself.
Alongside building a new life, there can be a real sense of loss - of familiarity, ease, support networks, and a previous sense of identity that once felt more defined.
These feelings of grief can exist at the same time as appreciation for the opportunities you now have.
It can be helpful to notice the part of you that says “I should feel grateful”, and also to make space for the part that feels sad, uncertain, or displaced.
If you recognise yourself in this, you are not alone in it.
Counselling can offer a space to explore your feelings around these experiences more fully, especially when you are living through significant change, adjustment, or questions around identity and belonging.
If you would like support, you are welcome to get in touch.